So now we know who the American Idol finalists are. And now we know that one of them isn’t Danny Gokey. Thank heavens.
Despite being a leading contender to win American Idol from the get-go, thanks to his unique combination of tragic backstory, inability to scream properly and having a face like a remedial-level semi-melted walnut, last night saw poor old Danny Gokey ejected forever.
Gokey’s goodbye sets up a thrilling American Idol final between Adam Lambert and Kris Allen that, if we know American Idol, will be 16 hours long and drive everyone to the brink of tedium-induced suicide. Joy.
Now we’re no American Idol experts - in our mind, all the previous seasons have somehow merged into one solid, impenetrable tumour that sounds like I Will Always Love You played on a glockenspiel made out of abused circus monkeys - but has a contestant as uniformly disliked as Danny Gokey ever made it to the American Idol semi-final before?
It’s hard to imagine. For someone so fundamentally unlikeable as Danny Gokey to make it anywhere near the American Idol top three is slightly staggering. It means that people were rooting for Danny Gokey after his first audition went from tear-flecked “I’m doing this for my dead wife in heaven” tragedy to uncomfortably jockish, Durstesque whooping in the blink of an eye once he knew he’d passed to the next round.
It means that people were rooting for Danny Gokey when, during Disco Night, he danced like a baby deer with polio on an ice rink on a cruise ship in a hurricane. It means that people were still rooting for Danny Gokey when he used his rendition of Dream On by Areosmith to make a noise like a constipated pterodactyl being punched in the face. It’s bizarre.
But if there’s one thing that nobody could possibly ever root for, it’s the image of Danny Gokey standing next to a saxophone singing scat to a Terrence Trent D’Arby song. That’s an unforgivable crime, and it’s why Danny Gokey was finally eliminated from American Idol last night. Reuters reports:
Paula Abdul appeared to fight back tears. Afterward, judge Simon Cowell said Gokey’s elimination and the looming showdown between Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, who was considered an underdog, came as a surprise. “None of us would have predicted this, guys,” Cowell said. “No disrespect, because you were brilliant last night, and just now by the way Danny, congratulations.”
Ah yes, the American Idol final. It’s Adam Lambert vs Kris Allen. And, really, it could go either way. It’s the plucky underdog against the season’s swaggering show-stopper. It’s the humble everyman against the snarling alien. It’s (possibly) gay against (we’re assuming) straight. It’s a man so painfully anonymous that he may as well have spent the last six months with his face pixellised like someone from Cheaters against a creepy bloke with a singing voice that we imagine sounds like Joe Pasquale ejaculating. And we wouldn’t miss it for the world.
But only out of professional obligation. You don’t think we’d actually watch American Idol if we didn’t have to write about it the next day, do you? Because, you know, it’s sort of rubbish
Despite being a leading contender to win American Idol from the get-go, thanks to his unique combination of tragic backstory, inability to scream properly and having a face like a remedial-level semi-melted walnut, last night saw poor old Danny Gokey ejected forever.
Gokey’s goodbye sets up a thrilling American Idol final between Adam Lambert and Kris Allen that, if we know American Idol, will be 16 hours long and drive everyone to the brink of tedium-induced suicide. Joy.
Now we’re no American Idol experts - in our mind, all the previous seasons have somehow merged into one solid, impenetrable tumour that sounds like I Will Always Love You played on a glockenspiel made out of abused circus monkeys - but has a contestant as uniformly disliked as Danny Gokey ever made it to the American Idol semi-final before?
It’s hard to imagine. For someone so fundamentally unlikeable as Danny Gokey to make it anywhere near the American Idol top three is slightly staggering. It means that people were rooting for Danny Gokey after his first audition went from tear-flecked “I’m doing this for my dead wife in heaven” tragedy to uncomfortably jockish, Durstesque whooping in the blink of an eye once he knew he’d passed to the next round.
It means that people were rooting for Danny Gokey when, during Disco Night, he danced like a baby deer with polio on an ice rink on a cruise ship in a hurricane. It means that people were still rooting for Danny Gokey when he used his rendition of Dream On by Areosmith to make a noise like a constipated pterodactyl being punched in the face. It’s bizarre.
But if there’s one thing that nobody could possibly ever root for, it’s the image of Danny Gokey standing next to a saxophone singing scat to a Terrence Trent D’Arby song. That’s an unforgivable crime, and it’s why Danny Gokey was finally eliminated from American Idol last night. Reuters reports:
Paula Abdul appeared to fight back tears. Afterward, judge Simon Cowell said Gokey’s elimination and the looming showdown between Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, who was considered an underdog, came as a surprise. “None of us would have predicted this, guys,” Cowell said. “No disrespect, because you were brilliant last night, and just now by the way Danny, congratulations.”
Ah yes, the American Idol final. It’s Adam Lambert vs Kris Allen. And, really, it could go either way. It’s the plucky underdog against the season’s swaggering show-stopper. It’s the humble everyman against the snarling alien. It’s (possibly) gay against (we’re assuming) straight. It’s a man so painfully anonymous that he may as well have spent the last six months with his face pixellised like someone from Cheaters against a creepy bloke with a singing voice that we imagine sounds like Joe Pasquale ejaculating. And we wouldn’t miss it for the world.
But only out of professional obligation. You don’t think we’d actually watch American Idol if we didn’t have to write about it the next day, do you? Because, you know, it’s sort of rubbish
from hecklerspray.com
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