God, is American Idol still going? Yeesh. We want it to end now. And it’s not just us - Simon Cowell does too.
Or we assume he does, based on his pissy demeanour throughout last night’s American Idol. Last night, faced with the nightmarish proposition of Kris Allen singing One Republic, Adam Lambert singing U2 and - God help us all - Danny Gokey singing scat, Simon Cowell decided that the best way to get through American Idol was by being an arsehole.
We’re not making that up. Danny Gokey sang scat. Frankly we’re surprised Simon Cowell didn’t punch anyone in the face.
This season of American Idol has been going on since approximately the actual dawn of bloody man, so naturally people have their own personal endurance limits when it comes to watching it. We, for instance, tend to get sick of American Idol during the first tenth of the first second of the first promo announcing the first episode of the season. But that’s just us.
For others it’s the interminable doldrums of the American Idol mid-section where the public hacks away week after week at mediocre nobodies like what’s his name and whojammacallit and it doesn’t seem to make a blind bit of difference to the number of remaining contestants. And then there’s Simon Cowell, whose own personal endurance gave up the ghost during last night’s American Idol.
And for good reason, too. Last night the remaining three American Idol contestants were put through Judge’s Choice night, where each of the American Idol judges picked songs for the performers - with the exception of Randy Jackson because the song he chose, a ditty called Woo Dog Dog Dog Baby Dog Baby Hollywood Baby Dog Dog, doesn’t actually seem to exist.
Anyway, long story short, Kara DioGuardi made Kris Allen sing Apologize by One Republic. And that’s bad enough - Apologize is the sort of song that’s popular with people who don’t actually like music and just want a background noise to block out the voices in their head telling them to hurt themselves - but then Kara decided to criticise the song choice afterwards, which set Simon Cowell off on a stroppy little rampage:
“It’s a copout. … You can’t choose a song for him then blame him for doing the song,” Cowell said. “You didn’t hold up to your responsibility.” “You’re gonna tell me about interpreting songs?” DioGuardi shot back. “Have you ever interpreted a song in your life?”
As for the other American Idol contestants, Adam Lambert sang One by U2 on Simon’s say-so and Cryin’ by Aerosmith, which largely sounded identical to One by U2 and Cryin’ by Aerosmith except higher-pitched and creepier. Also, Danny Gokey, knowing that he had some way to go to top his off-kilter screeching last week, took on a Terence Trent D’Arby song that required him to a) dance and b) go “Doo-be-doop-ba-doob-a-dee-dwoop” like a hateful little tossbag.
So who’ll be eliminated from American Idol tomorrow? Honestly, we couldn’t care less. But we’d quite like it if an audience member could keep poking Simon Cowell in the back of the head with a stick until he lashes out and stabs someone, please.
Or we assume he does, based on his pissy demeanour throughout last night’s American Idol. Last night, faced with the nightmarish proposition of Kris Allen singing One Republic, Adam Lambert singing U2 and - God help us all - Danny Gokey singing scat, Simon Cowell decided that the best way to get through American Idol was by being an arsehole.
We’re not making that up. Danny Gokey sang scat. Frankly we’re surprised Simon Cowell didn’t punch anyone in the face.
This season of American Idol has been going on since approximately the actual dawn of bloody man, so naturally people have their own personal endurance limits when it comes to watching it. We, for instance, tend to get sick of American Idol during the first tenth of the first second of the first promo announcing the first episode of the season. But that’s just us.
For others it’s the interminable doldrums of the American Idol mid-section where the public hacks away week after week at mediocre nobodies like what’s his name and whojammacallit and it doesn’t seem to make a blind bit of difference to the number of remaining contestants. And then there’s Simon Cowell, whose own personal endurance gave up the ghost during last night’s American Idol.
And for good reason, too. Last night the remaining three American Idol contestants were put through Judge’s Choice night, where each of the American Idol judges picked songs for the performers - with the exception of Randy Jackson because the song he chose, a ditty called Woo Dog Dog Dog Baby Dog Baby Hollywood Baby Dog Dog, doesn’t actually seem to exist.
Anyway, long story short, Kara DioGuardi made Kris Allen sing Apologize by One Republic. And that’s bad enough - Apologize is the sort of song that’s popular with people who don’t actually like music and just want a background noise to block out the voices in their head telling them to hurt themselves - but then Kara decided to criticise the song choice afterwards, which set Simon Cowell off on a stroppy little rampage:
“It’s a copout. … You can’t choose a song for him then blame him for doing the song,” Cowell said. “You didn’t hold up to your responsibility.” “You’re gonna tell me about interpreting songs?” DioGuardi shot back. “Have you ever interpreted a song in your life?”
As for the other American Idol contestants, Adam Lambert sang One by U2 on Simon’s say-so and Cryin’ by Aerosmith, which largely sounded identical to One by U2 and Cryin’ by Aerosmith except higher-pitched and creepier. Also, Danny Gokey, knowing that he had some way to go to top his off-kilter screeching last week, took on a Terence Trent D’Arby song that required him to a) dance and b) go “Doo-be-doop-ba-doob-a-dee-dwoop” like a hateful little tossbag.
So who’ll be eliminated from American Idol tomorrow? Honestly, we couldn’t care less. But we’d quite like it if an audience member could keep poking Simon Cowell in the back of the head with a stick until he lashes out and stabs someone, please.
from hecklerspray.com
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